I was in an elevator the other day and noticed the instructions for firemen to operate the thing with their special keys. Isn’t that something they tell you when they give you the key? Are all elevators unique? Anyway, it got me thinking about unnecessary instructions.
I’m not talking about dumb instructions, like the line on the car window shade thing that says not to leave it up while you’re driving. I’m talking about actual, intended-to-be-helpful instructions that are totally unnecessary because any semi-sentient being can figure the thing out without reading a manual.
My first thought for the most unhelpful was those restroom automatic hand dryers. “Push button, hold hands under the air to dry” seems pretty useless to me, because the entire mechanism consists of a giant button and an air vent. It should only take you, at most, one failed attempt before you figure out what the button does.
But then I realized that the absolute most unnecessary set of instructions come on envelopes: “Place stamp here.” If you’re mailing an envelope, and haven’t figured out where to put the stamp (or that it needs one at all), no one’s going to be able to read what you wrote anyway.
So that’s my nomination for most useless instructions. Anyone got anything better? Or, rather, worse?