Archive for June, 2005

What Would Cruise Do?

Sunday, June 26th, 2005

As revenge for tagging THL with a music meme, I got hammered with a Scientology meme from her. Wow. I have learned my lesson: no more memes for her. I wish I had never done it. I’m sorry, THL! Anyway, far be it from me to be a meme-killer, but I’ll be darned if I am going to search my soul for the answers to a bunch of uber-weird questions from some Brainwashing 101 seminar. Sorry. You’d have a better chance of finding out I’m a replicant by using the Voight-Kampff test from Blade Runner. So I’m passing the buck and seeing what the Magic 8-Ball has to say. After all, it probably has as much insight into my soul as I do. Here we go.

1. Have you driven anyone insane?


2. Have you ever killed the wrong person?


3. Is anybody looking for you?

“Yes definitely”

4. Have you ever set a poor example?

“Yes definitely”

5. Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

“Outlook good”

6. Are you in hiding?

“Better not tell you now”

7. Have you systematically set up mysteries?

“It is decidedly so”

8. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

“As I see it yes”

9. Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?

“My reply is no”

10. Have you ever gone crazy?

“Ask again later” (Upon doing so, “My reply is no”)

11. Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

“It is decidedly so”

12. Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?

“Very doubtful”

13. Have you ever smothered a baby?

“Concentrate and ask again” (Upon doing so, “Don’t count on it”)

14. Do you deserve to have any friends?

“Very doubtful”

15. Have you ever castrated anyone?

“Without a doubt”

16. Do you deserve to be enslaved?

“It is decidedly so”

17. Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

“It is certain”

18. Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

“My sources say no”

19. Have you ever zapped anyone?

“Very doubtful”

20. Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?

“Better not tell you now”

So there you have it. I doubt I would be acceptable to the Scientologists, but maybe the 8-ball could get in. I really don’t think I hate anyone enough to pass this along, but feel free if you want to tackle it. Oh, and if any dominatrices are reading this, feel free to contact me in relation to #16.

Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman!

Monday, June 20th, 2005

Just for the record, there is nothing creepier in a movie than small children. Axe murderers and giant squids are scary, but there’s nothing better to make your spine crawl than a freaky little kid. Exhibit A: the twin girls from The Shining. Exhibit B: the girl from The Ring. Exhibit C: Damien from The Omen. Exhibit 5: the boy from The Grudge. Exhibit XIV: Children of the Corn. Exhibit exhibitionist: Cory Feldman.

I’m not sure why this is. Is it because children are supposed to be innocent, and it bothers us to see them otherwise? But if this was the case there would be many more movies about killer kittens and rabbits. Or it could be as Milbarge suggested, that children (along with clowns, scarecrows, and cats) are inherently evil and creepy, and anytime they show up bad things are about to happen. Either way, when I get around to making my horror movie, it is going to be littered with creepy little kids. Well, either that or co-ed shower scenes.

Friday Spies&copy

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005

Late as usual…but at least I’m posting something…

1. What is the earliest movie you remember watching in the theater?

Like Fitz, I distinctly remember crying through The Fox and the Hound. I was also thinking I had seen Superman, but upon further reflection it was probably Superman II. And Empire. I don’t remember which of these it was, but I have a memory of the trip to see one of them. The nearest mall with a movie theater was about an hour away when I was growing up, so it was a big deal to go. I remember getting out of the car, and my Mom had brought jackets (like windbreakers, not heavy coats) for my brother and me. It wasn’t a cold day, so I kept asking why we needed jackets. Over and over like the inquisitive pest I was. (But I grew out of that, right? Right? Right?) Anyway, finally she told me that we might go somewhere where it’s colder. This blew my mind until we walked up to the theater box office. Suddenly the pieces fit together — sometimes it’s cold in the movie theater! We were going to see a movie! See, this is why I like moviegoing to be an event, and why I don’t go alone — I always forget my jacket.

2. If you could strike one word from the English language, which
word would you choose and why?

When people say “on line” when they mean “in line.” I think this question would have been more interesting if removing the word also removed the concept behind the word. It’s like that idea when Bush supposedly said that the French don’t have a word for “entrepeneur” or when Reagan said the Russians don’t have a word for freedom. (I heard an essay on NPR about this back during the entrepeneur days but can’t find it.) Just because a language doesn’t express a concept in a single word, it’s not as though the concept is foreign to that culture. English doesn’t have a word for schadenfreude, but boy do we have the concept. Anyway, some of the words people have been booting I could live without, but I wouldn’t want to do without the concept those words represent. So, I’ll give an answer straight out of the beauty pageant question-answering handbook, and say that if I had to remove a word from the English language, knowing that doing so would also eliminate the concept behind the word, I would choose “racism.” It’s just too bad English doesn’t have a word for “girls rejecting Milbarge.” Because, you know, that’s as bad as racism.

3. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

The “Hot Doughnuts Now” light at the Krispy Kreme. I made myself a promise once that I would only buy KK if I was driving by one and the Hot light was on. I kind of got an idea of when they light it, and was mostly able to avoid it unless I secretly didn’t want to. But the Hot light is the Siren call to this Ulysses — I practically have to strap myself down to avoid heeding it. I like how this question didn’t presume that I would be using my superpowers for good or evil, but either way, I could be thwarted by a well-timed “Hot Now” light.

4. Would you rather win an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Golden Globe, Oscar, Pulitzer, or Nobel Prize? What work would you win it for?

A Tony would at least mean that I could sing and dance, which would be nice. And while I guess it would be fun to be a big movie or tv star and win an Oscar or Emmy or Golden Globe, or change the world and win a Nobel, or write so well I won a Pulitzer, I’m trying to decide based on my actual talents. So I’m going to say I would like to win the Grammy for best spoken word recording, for the audio version of my memoirs. One of these days I’ll do an audio post and you’ll get a taste of all that genius.

5. What is your catch phrase? Don’t have one? Then make one up!

Lately I’ve been saying “Way to go, Moon Milbarge!” a lot. It’s a reference to a Simpsons episode from last year. Lisa starts a rival newspaper to battle Mr. Burns’s media monopoly, and Burns strikes back by trying to get dirt on Lisa. He hears from Homer that Milhouse likes Lisa, so Burns runs a headline in his paper that says “Lisa Loves Milhouse” to embarrass her. As the coup de grace, Burns aims a laser at the moon that creates a picture of Lisa and Milhouse kissing. Lisa is horrified, but Milhouse cheers the action his likeness is getting: “Way to go, Moon Milhouse!” It just cracked me up when I heard it, and I adopted it. I like that it can be an expression of happiness at some accomplishment, or delivered sarcastically, as in, “Nice going, chump.” Or as in, “Way to go, Moon Milbarge — it only took you five days to answer these questions!”

Up from San Antone

Sunday, June 5th, 2005

photo courtesy of, the Official Site of Texas Tourism I’ve had Texas on my mind a lot lately. TP‘s mention of wildflowers, Coob’s triumphant return to Austin, and an email conversation with Soup regarding essential country songs have combined to make me quite homesick for the Lone Star State.

I miss the smell of a smoky barbeque joint. I miss the Red River Shootout. I miss Lone Star beer. I miss the Cowboys. I miss Taco Bueno. I miss maroon pick-up trucks with Corps of Cadets stickers on the bumpers. I miss hating Red Raider fans. I miss the friendly wave from oncoming traffic on a two-lane road. I miss those glorious Texas sunsets. I miss the carpet of wildflowers – bluebonnets, Indian blanket, coneflowers, cornflowers, and Texas paintbrushes – in the highway medians. I miss the drawl. I miss knowing what’s going on with high school football. And I miss, well, you get the point. I had to force myself to drive to work today rather than point the Jeep east for Texas.